Review: Malkovich, Igudesman, and Joo in "The Music Critic"

John Malkovich and Hyung-ki Joo | Photo by Julia Wesely

Snarky, cranky, haughty, and full of himself, these are words that you might use to describe your reclusive uncle, but instead aptly described the music critic that John Malkovich embodied in a unique musical comedy show with composer-violinist Aleksey Igudesman and pianist Hyung-ki Joo at Benaroya Hall (October 17). The innovative show, written by Igudesma, embraced classical music, acerbic commentary, and comedy wholeheartedly, although if you are a person who writes about classical music like yours truly, you might have taken the evening as a slap on the… ears.

Malkovich, the famous Hollywood movie star who is noted for some off-beat films, such as “Being John Malkovich,” nearly sold out Benaroya Hall with nary and empty seat to be seen. A spotlight fell on Malkovich when he walked onstage with Igudesman and Joo. Sitting down at a café table, Malkovich stayed completely in character with a taciturn appearance as Joo and a string quartet began to play the third movement of Dvorak’s “Piano Quintet in A major.”

After they finished, applause erupted from all corners of the house, but Malkovich dryly cautioned everyone, declaring that notwithstanding the appeal of Dvorak’s music, “I cannot remain silent regarding the dangers of its latest tendencies” and went on to caution listeners again the passionate, and “ghastly” qualities that have entered his music.

And so the evening went, the audience would be treated to fine performances of pieces by Beethoven, Brahms, Chopin, Kancheli, Debussy, Schumann, and a couple of numbers by Igudesman, and following each piece, Malkovich would deliver a scathing remark.

After listening to the third movement of Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 4 in A minor, Malkovich commented that Beethoven’s style was bizarre and Baroque, and even though he can build passages of “sweet melancholy,” he shatters it with a “mass of barbarous chords.” […] “He seems to harbor together doves and crocodiles.”

That trenchant critique generated a lot of laughter – as it should! I found that quote in Nicolas Slonimsky’s “Lexicon of Musical Invective,” a veritable treasure trove of negative and often outrageous statements by various critics of works by Bartok Beethoven, Berg, Berlioz, Bizet, Block, Brahms, Bruckner, Chopin, Copland, Cowell, Debussy, Franck, Gershwin, Gounod, Harris, I’Indy, Krenek, Liszt, Mahler, Milhaud, etc. Anyone who has the temerity to slam these composers deserves to be lampooned themselves. Well, that’s exactly what happened later in the Malkovich show, and I’ll get to that in just a bit.

In the meantime, Malkovich let loose with more vituperations. Citing a diary entry from Tchaikovsky, we heard him calling Brahms a “scoundrel” and a “giftless bastard.” Nietzsche scathingly stated that Brahms “has the melancholy of impotence.” It turns out that Hugo Wolf also didn’t like Brahms and his music, calling him “the greatest bluffer of this century and of all future millennia.”

Sometimes a music excerpt was played fairly loudly during one of Malkovich’s rantings, making it difficult to hear exactly what he said. But that notwithstanding, Malkovich trashed Chopin, Kancheli, Debussy (described as having “the attractiveness of a pretty tubercular maiden”), Schumann, and a couple of the pieces by Igudesman, including “The Malkovich Torment for Piano Quintet.” At one point, Malkovich took the bow away from Igudesman and gave him a tiny bow. Igudesman took that bow and still played the heck out of a wildly difficult piece.

Igudesman gave Malkovich his comeuppance with this picturesque statement, “I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.”

The tables were completely turned on Malkovich when it was revealed that he (well, his music critic character) had panned a recording and then praised the same recording when it was claimed to have been done by Joyce Hatto, the British pianist who had actually stolen it and passed it off as her own.

So, if you dish it out on others, expect to be dished on yourself. In that vein, I was not impressed with the one printed sheet, detailing the concert program, that was inserted in a Seattle Symphony program. That sheet listed the Beethoven piece as No. 4 in A minor instead of Piano Sonata No 4 in A minor. It also didn’t provide the members of the string quartet. It would not have taken very much effort to make those corrections. I hereby give the program sheet a D minus.

All the same, it was a fun program, even though music critics got the short end. There aren’t all that many critics left these days. The ones I know don’t write in the over-the-top style that Malkovich spouted. But maybe we should put some venom into our scribblings. People remember nasty reviews. But they also remember how stupid you are for writing that kind of vitriol in the first place.

Postscript: The Music Critic at the Symphony will receive its West Coast premiere on June 12, 2024, at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall with the Oregon Symphony.

John Malkovich and Aleksey Igudesman | Photo by Julia Wesely